How It Works - An Example

IFS is a way to hold ourselves with care and compassion before asking others to do so as well. For example, I help IFS Relationship Readiness 1:1 Blueprint clients notice and begin dialoguing with parts of themselves who get in their own way, such as ignoring a pattern of potential red flags, not speaking up in the face of what feels like a boundary violation from the other person, and/or sabotaging themselves on dates by being critical, defensive, and/or emotionally unavailable.

I've then guided clients to listen compassionately to this self-sabotaging part's unmet needs—such as its need for acceptance, connection, security, etc. What we often learn from parts is that the ways they go about trying to meet their needs unfortunately often creates the very thing they fear.

In the case of a part who self-sabotages on dates, the result may be feeling less accepted after being critical, more disconnected after being defensive, and less secure after demonstrating they are emotionally unavailable. Next, the client helps the part heal its burden, such as feeling unlovable, not enough, too much, etc. So then the client’s part then has it needs met internally, resulting it the client expressing their needs very different externally with others.