Why "Kindness" Isn't Enough: What I Actually Look for in a Match
As I vet matches for my clients, I am often looking for much more than just a "kind" person.
That might sound controversial, but here is the truth: Kindness can be a mask.
In the world of Internal Family Systems (IFS), what looks like kindness on the surface is often a People-Pleasing Manager. This part of a person is working overtime to be "nice" to keep the peace or gain approval.
The problem? That People-Pleaser is almost always polarized with a Resentful or Angry part. This inner part is tired of sacrificing, tired of being overlooked, and is essentially a ticking time bomb. If you date the "nice" person without checking their internal alignment, you eventually end up in a relationship with their resentment.
The Real Metric: Self-Leadership
Instead of just looking for kindness, I look for Self-Awareness and the degree to which a person is Self-led. When I interview potential matches, I am looking for three specific indicators:
Relationship with Parts: Does this person demonstrate awareness of their own internal system? Can they talk about their "anxious side" or their "judgmental side" with curiosity rather than shame?
Trigger Awareness: Do they know what activates their parts? Can they identify the moments they start to "blend" with anger or withdrawal?
Nervous System Regulation: Do they have a practice for returning to Self-energy? When things get heated, do they have the tools to regulate rather than react?
Better Inner Balance = Fewer External Wars
The equation is simple: The more I see Self-Leadership in a potential match—and the more we cultivate it in you—the less likely I am to see the two of you in couples therapy later on.
When two people are Self-led, they stop having "External Tug-of-Wars" because they are no longer projecting their internal conflicts onto each other. They can stay connected even when things get difficult.
Ready to Find a Match Who is Truly "Ready"?
My matchmaking process doesn't just look at your hobbies or your zip code; it looks at the health of your internal system and the systems of those you date.
If you are ready to stop dating "parts" and start connecting with "Self," let’s talk.
